Barcelona 2006

[unitegallery barcelona]

A tour of midget goalkeepers and dissent becomes rebellion. A putsch is led against the leadership of the Mufti, which serves him right for listening to the mad tactical ‘advice’ of the Cod. But he who wields the dagger shall never wear the crown, eh Timbo?!

Blofeld is accosted whilst taking cash from an ATM, but fearlessly Chrissie saves the day and Dr. Bubblehead’s swarthy relatives are sent packing back to their lucky heather, crystal balls and baked hedgehogs.

This was the last time those ancient, bandy, varicose-veined legs carried us around two ninety-minute matches.

Harry’s report, written at the time of the tour

The pluses and minuses (tabloid style) plus a mark out of 10 for performance relative to ability…

PILSBURY
The man of much dough who has to eat his own body-weight daily to survive on tour, was relatively solid in defence. However was tragically convincing to the ear of the skipper in dispersing horribly flawed tactical advice, ensuring that even in this poorly run chip-shop we were battered… Took the many Cod jibes in excellent spirit.
7/10

LORD TAGAMISHI
The ruddy-faced scourge of the council chamber was back to his usual self which was grand to see. One shot in anger from 15 yards out where tornado statisticians held their collective breath in hope of a bettering of the efforts/success ratio of one in five thousand, sadly it wasn’t to be. Excellent work as Tim’s spokesman attempting to counter the coldly furious catalan cnut also sadly to no avail.
7/10

SLUG
Was always a shoo in for personality after cunningly-timed application of shitriah law. Other highlights included the plaza flanning and the complex re-structuring of his room-mate’s bed. Was good to see him back on the pitch with the usual sprinkling of telegraphed fouls, after the German thou-shalt-not-fail-to-pass goalkeeping fiasco. 7/10

MR LOGIC
Ian has all the makings of a classic Tornado, the requisite lack of pace and a comfortable age, however he must learn to concentrate more. Even as he reads this I suspect he’s thinking ‘who’s Mr Logic?’ Missing Tim’s judgement was unforgivable. Make ‘Carpe Y-frontium skiddium’ your motto man! The tour highlight occurred only yards away! BTW was Tim actually on the tour? And where’s my cardy?
7/10

BGP
3-shags lived up to his moniker adjustment by attracting whores like flies at night, lured by the bulging contents of his hip-pocket. Had to resort to flirting with Pilsbury to see them off, but paid for this tactic by arriving at breakfast with a bent ear and pronounced anal limp. Nearly ricked his neck such was the vigour of his nodding when Wormer described himself as ‘red-faced’. Worked hard on the pitch.
7/10

DER SCHNOOZER
First signs of logistical weakness from the great man, firstly sending half the team to ‘Calle Dr Bubblekopio’ by mistake, and then putting us up against 19 year olds. Tsk. Redeemed himself by cleverly introducing three irresistibly cute (and wise – see anon) kids and penning an excellent quiz. Got into several good scoring positions on the pitch with sadly no conversion. Come on Daddy!
7/10

HdP
Took some fine photos and scored a goal yet was pathetically mugged by toddlers in Plaza Catalunya and had to call in the real men to rescue him. Missed two or three gilt-edged chances on the pitch but played in Chris and Ges a few times. His filming of Wormer in full flow and getting a waiter to tell Tim to ‘sit down cnut’ ensures at least respectability in the score.
6/10

LYING LAZARUS
Even by his own high standards, a remarkable effort at attention-generating in the most spectacular attempt to wrest the the personality trophy from the seeping Slug’s grasp yet witnessed. As with most Tornado efforts on the tour he was sadly overcome by a younger, fitter more powerful Spaniard. Otherwise the usual pros and cons patchwork from the enigmatic dwarfish dissembler. Suspected spoiled ballot papers and non-participation in the quiz weighed against him, but the usual top quality of banter coupled with some genuine quality between the sticks pushes him above the average.
8/10

THE MUFTI
Was riding out the last rumblings of discontent and may have thought the coup was dead, but showed desperate Sven-like weakness in being swayed by the gurning millionaire’s tactical acumen which could yet be seen as abdication of responsibility and re-ignite the flames of revolution. However, despite LL’s attempts to woo the block vote of duffers corner, their stedfast loyalty – ‘Four eyes good, two foot high bad!’ – to the truffle-snuffling easyJet-loving one should see him through. Great efforts in defence against the odds borne out by his sinking into a death-mask trance come midnight, you certainly can’t fault the skipper’s devotion to the cause!
7/10

KELLYCOPTER
A welcome return to the Tornado fold after too much absence, he sadly didn’t find Spanish defences as porous as Tornado firewalls, but tireless midfield tackling and making space marked him out as the genuine quality on the pitch we all remember. Stood up to be counted when HdP was about to make an unsolicited donation of €200 to the Romany Women and Children’s fund (my hero!).
8/10

WELSH ELF
The man who ‘runs faster than he looks like he should be able to’ was his usual effective self as the Tornado surprise package, nipping the ball off the toes of astonished twenty-two year olds who thought they had all the time in the world to steady themselves and shoot only to find the 4.40 Buddha Express from Cardiff rattling away from them with bulging sacks of mail (I think it was mail) and the ball. His debating skills and lack of fart-abhorrence also make for a superior room-mate…
7/10

DR BUBBLEHEAD
Tried his best in a noble attempt to stay with Tierro Enrio, the 17 year old Catalan sprint champion, but as anyone (other than Pilsbury or Sir Mufton) might have foreseen, it was a hopeless cause. Also chipped agonizingly for the opening goal. On the plus side had the greatest ‘sniper in the stand’ moment – ‘it wasn’t that fookin bad’ and the most interesting luggage! The ever-present heartbeat of the Tornados. He’s the only one isn’t he? (he added innocently).
7/10

WOR LAD
Lastly, and leastly… What can one say except humbly to thank the Almighty that the friend of Beardsley still sees fit to grace us with his faint odour of mushroom. Glorious goals – the 30 yard chip and towering header will live long in the memory – and all-round passing and tackling quality, it’s an honour to be on the same pitch (he simpered). A journey to Newcastle would ensure one more tour from the big lad – it must be done. Even with the performance relative to ability, I can only give this years player winner…
9/10